So...

I have realized that at this point I feel i have little control over my life or what happens in it. This scares the shit out of me. I've tried to make plans and be smart but something always comes along to shake me. Some of them are bad, some of them are good, but recently totally confusing. I understand how life works and that i kind of need to let go a bit but it is hard to do that knowing letting go could lead you down a path that is scary and undesirable.

I need to control myself and be smart because I can't control anything else. I can't get emotional. If I do I could really regret it. Of course i have never been good at taking my own advice...